I find 881 a marvellous piece of artwork. The audience must get one point straight; it is a musical. The genre itself suggests that the expression through the songs plays a more crucial role than the narrative element. One must at least watch a opera or any other musical first so that you will not get disappointed with the show. I can't help myself but to fall in love with the songs during the show. As I flow along with the lyrics and tune, I got totally immersed in it. Occasionally, I sway along with the music. Yes, of course, a few teardrops at the scenes of death. 881 is no flop; its incoherence, weird sense of humour and wild exaggeration should be forgiven and taken in a light-hearted manner. After all, spectators don't think too much about a getai, do you? Songs are one of the most primitive form of emotional expression. The word emotion itself carries no meaning at all in it the notion of rationality and logic. So when you watch 881, laugh when you should, empathise when you should and cry when you should. That's what its all about.

Why is most of the blog already dead? I want to read, yet most of my friend's blog is undergoing a dormant state. Come on, you guys, get going and entertain me.

As I was looking at my graduation gown, I can't help but to be overcome with sadness and regret. I sighed that time creeps away without you realising it. The terrible mistake is that I didn't make full use of the time and opportunities in NUS. It could have been so much more. I could have achieved more and did much more and had an enriching experience, my kind of way. And so it's lost, time can never come back. But what is lost? I asked myself. Was i just being emotional and so I long for the past or was it really so that I did not maximise the potentials and to realise it? I sat and I think. If I had wasted my time for the past three years, what do i mean by that? And so how can i not waste my remaining years?

I chose the hard way for the remaining last year to do a minor in china studies. I thought that the seek of knowledge is a meaningful way to spend time in NUS. And then i realise that doing 6 modules make me so tired that i can't think of anything else. Keeping myself busy did not fill that void i felt in my heart and the end of the day. Something is still missing. For the first two years of NUS, I try to have a social life with the mafias. They were one bunch of fun people to hang out with. I thought it could be the key to happiness, somehow, for I had always been a anti-social guy before NS days. I had to really admit that I was really AS(anti-social). Social outings was something quite new to me. I tried and don't really feel comfortable at the end of the day. Still, something is missing. But then after i started teaching, I started to really appreciate myself and have fun with these guys. I just realise that I can be sociable, but it takes a long time for me to get use to the people. I need to take a long time to warm up to crowds, groups of people. This kind of fun, somehow, beats the hours of satisfaction I will derive from reading chinese journal articles in the Chinese library. Sure, I do enjoy reading the "General History of China", or even "Zhuangzhi" or "Analects". Books are still books, they are dregs of the dead people. They can't talk or interact with you. At some point of time, its the social context you are in that makes you who you are. Your self-worth, your purpose in life, who you are and what you do is still bounded by the society. Its the people around you and how you interact with them that is more important.

So as i am doing my thinking, i decide to reassess my priorities in life, to make sure that I shall not waste my time anymore from this point onwards. My deepest regret in NUS, would perhaps be that my social circle was increasing at a snail's pace and hardly wide at all. But then, i had made a few really really great friends. Perhaps, I also felt that it was a waste that I had not gone for any SEP, to China, where I could have see for myself the wonderful China. I had the chance to know friends of my age group in China and to interact with them, to hear their stories and to share the passion of its history and culture.

So what are my priorities in life? I shall list them in order, with the highest importance on the top, so that i shall remember them by heart, and not to let time waste away again without achieving wat I had wanted to.

1)Social relationships
2) Personal interests
3) Career achievments

There are moments in school which i enjoy. Students have left. Activity diminished to almost nothingness. The evening is always enjoyable, the time which nothing would rush me to leave. I take my time and stroll around to appreciate the tranquility and moment of peace. The school can be peaceful indeed. I can hear the gush of water into the pond. Although it is artificial, I could care less that it is so. I close my eyes and listen with my heart. My heart felt peace. I look at the greens and although it can be no greater than the botanical gardens, i couldn't care less. It is beautiful in it own way. Within the school, this artificial and cold builiding, I should be glad that there is still that trace of nature lurking somewhere. I am a lover of Dao, yet i have not attain the dao. They say that those who do will find peace even in busy cities. They are unaffected by the environment and still be at ease in their heart. When the students make noise, my heart is disturbed and can't find the peace. Only when there is quietness, that i can feel tranquility. Alas, this is better than those who do not know where to find peace. I have a friend who is extremely upset about the fact that he needs to re-format his computer. The lost of important files is so painful to him. Yet, i re-format my computer with little concern at all. Losing the pictures means nothing to me. To be free, yes....... that's what it is all about.

A fair maiden

Where can i still find a fair maiden? A coy, demure and gentle lady who reads my heart and mind. She will be a fine companion, and beyond that,a life partner whom we shall stay side by side together, even if the earth and sky is to perish, we still stand strong and persist. Our hearts shall interwine and we know each other's intention without speaking. Words shall mean nothing for the two of us. Let us appreciate life by abandoning the woes of life. We shall spent our time in the quiet and serene mountains, watch the full moon and recite our poems. In the day, we shall be in the bamboo grove. Not bringing any chairs to spoil the natural landscape, we will sit on any rocks available, and just watch and listen. To see te bamboo sway among the wind, is to appreciate the grace and delicate nature of the world. Yet no one will sit down and watch for even a second.

1800-hotline

It's time for me to dial the chat hotline again. Talking therapy is the way for me to feel good at the end of the day. Talkng does the wonder, just talking will do the trick. Perhaps that's y students can't help but to talk in class. the chat hotline is not the real 1800 hotline, but a joke i thought of once i was talking to my god-sister. I have the habit of calling friends to chit-chat for hours. I can do it so often and spent so much time on it. It makes me feel good after a couple of laughs and experiences shared. I just made a remark that it feels like calling the 1800 counselling hotline to just talk about anything and make urself feel good. Who shall i call tonite?

Hannah Montana!!!!!!!!


I don't expect a lot of people to know who she is. Probably, no one my age would have any idea who she is. Hannah montana is the name of the comedy drama series that is on-going on disney channel. The name of the show takes after the main character, who is playing a dual role. She is a average next door girl in school but her secret identity is hannah montana, a teen pop singer who would send the crowd screaming and going crazy over her presence! The show is very witty and funny, which would sent me laughing till the house knows that i'm around. Sometimes, it can be really meaningful. One of the appeals of the show is the really nice songs sang by hannah montana. I sincerely think that she has the makings of a real teen pop sensation. Her voice is really good and she can really sing. She rocks and for her age, she's simply fabulous. Her songs, though structured in a way that appeals to teen, has mesmorised me with the sensitve and delicate emotinal expression and also very inspirational. Oh well, hack care those who think her songs are lame. I will still love her songs no matter what the others think. I read that her album sold very well in the states and her songs were on the billboard. When i'm feeling down because i screw things up, i will listen to this song for motivation.

Nobody's perfect

Everybody makes mistakes...
Everybody has those days...1,2,3,4!

(x2)Everybody makes mistakes,Everybody has those days.
Everybody know's what, what I'm talking 'bout,
Everybody gets that way.

Sometimes I'm in a jam,
I gotta make a plan,
It might be crazy,
I do it anyway.
No way to know for sure,
I figure out a cure,
I'm patching up the holes,
But then it overflows.
If I'm not doin' too well... (clap clap, clap)Won't be so hard on myself...

Nobody's perfect!I gotta work it!
Again and again til I get it right.
Nobody's perfect!
You live and you learn it!
And if I mess it up sometimes,Nobody's perfect...

Sometimes I work a scheme,
But then it flips on me.
Doesn't turn out how I planned,
Get stuck in quick-sand.
No problem, can be solved..Once I get involved!
I try to be delicate,Then crash right into it!
But my intentions are good (yeah yeah yeah!)
Sometimes just mis-understood...

Nobody's perfect!I gotta work it!
Again and again til I get it right.
Nobody's perfect!You live and you learn it!
And if I mess it up sometimes,
Nobody's perfect!I gotta work it!
I know in time I'll find the way,
Nobody's perfect...

Sometimes I fix things up,And they fall apart again,(Nobody's perfect...)
I know I mix things up,But I always get it right in the end.. (You know I do!)

Talking:Next time you feel like,
It's just one of those days,When you just can't seem to win.
If things don't go the way that you guys planned,Figure something else out!
Don't stay down!Come on everybody... Try again!...

(x2)Everybody makes mistakes,Everybody has those days.
Everybody know's what, what I'm talking 'bout,Everybody gets that way.

Nobody's perfect!I gotta work it!
Again and again til I get it right.
Nobody's perfect!You live and you learn it!
And if I mess it up sometimes,
Nobody's perfect!I gotta work it!
I know in time I'll find the way,
Nobody's perfect,I gotta work it,
'Cos everybody makes mistakes..

Nobody's perfect.Nobody's! Perfect!No No!
NOBODY'S PERFECT!...

Its a long weekend for teachers. National Day itself is a public holiday. For students and teachers, it's a practise that there will be no school after the National Day. I really need that break to think about things. After trying to teach for a week, I have to admit that the expectations of a teacher is not as simple as what my dad would always say. He does business and he said its a dog eat dog world out there. OF course, i know what its like in business. I read romance of the three kingdom. Its all about plots, schemes, politics, networking. Doing business is like fighting a war. He believes that kids are much easier to handle. He has been persuading me to stay in the line, with this reason as his main concern. Students are naive and adorable. Ha ha ha, i laugh at this fantasy. It is half-true. I have foreseen the problem before i start teaching. My tuition kid gives me the problems, but its only one kid. The key problem here is to do with my personality. I'm a carefree daoist advocate. Maintaining discipline and consistency is something of an opposite pole to my nature. I have always give in to my tuition kid, even if he does not do his assignments or disrupt my lesson. I never fixed the problem, but just flow along the river and be patient with him. It's more of like getting use to it, rather than eliminating the negative behaviour going on during lesson. We became more like friends instead as time pass and he would do his stuffs out of friendship more than the student-teacher respect. I do not see myself capable of extending this relationship to an entire class of 40 students in school for now. How do u make friends with people who don't listen to u; who purposely go against what u said?

Packaging your lessons in an interesting manner to captivate the students is a another huge challenge. I have always been a boring down to earth person, the best I can do is to fantasize myself as an ancient Chinese man and behave like one crazy man, that's all! Speak about creativity, that's just telling me to not be myself. There is the conflict between putting myself back to my comfort zone and to step out of it bravely to handle such challenges. How to know whether I can really succeed? Only time tells. My heart says to me to stop the nonsense and leave, but my mind says that u never know until u hang on tight and give it a shot. Which one is correct?

There is no way of life as carefree as a Taoist ought to be.

There is no philosophy that emphasizes morality as much as Confucianism.

There is no value as important as filial piety.

There is no novel as captivating as the Romance of the three kingdoms.

There is no drink as refreshing as the Wu Long tea.

There is no history as glorious and vibrant as the 5000 years of history of China.

There is no language as beautiful as the Chinese language.

there is nothing more that i can say........

What can be worse than not being urself ? What can be as terrible as bottling up ur emotions within u and refuse to come clean with urself? I have not heard a man who has not been happy. And so I embrace happiness and be happy. A happy man shall be as happy as lark, to wear a smile on his face and to not forget to drink to add to his joys. I have not heard of a man who has not been sad. So I embrace sadness. I become disenchanted, put on a long face, face disappointment and not to forget to down my sorrows with some good wine. One's emotions is about conflicts and contradictions, unfathomable and enigmatic to speak of. It is like a ocean wave, at its high point and reaches it low point. There are moments of happiness and sadness. When a man is happy, he should be happy and when a man is sad, he ought to be sad. A man can be happy and sad. So can a happy man turn sad the next moment, vice verse. And when we ask for happiness in our lives, I wonder what it is? Is it about getting the right job? Is it about finding a life partner and settling down to start a family? Is it about doing the things u want to do? Is it about having the freedom to do what u want to do? Is it about helping the needy so that u will find satisfaction from it? Is it about hanging out with ur friends? Is is about drinking good tea or wine? Is it about going to places u would like to go? So is sadness about not getting all these things? I wonder.

Deviation from the course

As easy as it can be for one to enjoy solitude life, so is it easy for one to feel lonely and sad when spending time alone. Last nite, I went through a period of sadness of emptiness. So my thoughts run wild and I had to compare myself to others and felt bad about myself. I felt that my life was wasting away as I haven't accomplish much in life. I was so upset that I couldn't sleep till 4am. This morning when i woke up, I was feeling as bad. Then, I stop thinking, and tell myself that I'm in my bedroom. There's nothing else. Stop thinking. I stop all my bad thoughts and I feel ok once again. I'm more convinced now that I have been living in my thoughts too much and hadn't got much out of this real world. Stop thinking and start living!

What is zen? It is something that fits into your hand.

I chose to live in simplicity and self-reflection during this vacation. I was trying to live a life on my own, away from people and the hustle and bustle of the city, so that i can learn to enjoy solitude and loneliness. I had some insights, as I tried these new experiences. On the quest to find my true self, and to find what's the best way to live one's life. What luck I had as I stumbled upon treasures of wisdom, written works passed down by great writers. It was merely a stroke of coincidence that I found a book "The importance of living" by Liu Yutang. An english book written by a Chinese Prof. His work enthralled me. He has adopted the spirit of Zhuangzhi, to advocate laziness and simplicity. To him, the way of life is to just idle and be humorous. He proposed the half-half philosophy, integrating Confucianism and Taoism as the way of life. I hardly could disagree with him. A contemporary writer applying ancient Chinese wisdom to daily modern life, he proves that ancient wisdom can still be practised till the very day. It has not grown obsolete in this rapid growing world of materialistic comfort.

So happy I was that I gaily went to botanical gardens and east coast park on my own, to enjoy the nature the way I never did. The essence of Zen and Taoism is so simple, yet so difficult to be practised. Zhuangzi, had, through his philosophical works, thought us not to think so much and just flow along with the course of the river. The bad thing about being a human, is the concept of distinction. That is the root of all problem. There is hatred, and so the opposite exist. Love and hatred complements. Life and there is death. Sadness and there is happiness. Good and bad. Beautiful and ugly. Abandon thinking, spontaneous action is the key to handling all matter. It has a scientific background. I shall care to explain this. Have u heard of a reflex action? It's a automatic response from our nervous system to deal with situations where fast action is required. When we commit an action, and stop down to think and analyse, some precious time is lost in the mood of thinking. If u touch a hot kettle, your hand automatically retracts to avoid burn damage. If u slow down, distinguish it and tell urself that the kettle is hot, and then process the information with your brain that what u should do, finally u react, how much time is wasted for the whole process. Think about it urself, by that time, your hand could have been burn already. Stopping down to think is bad in this case. These ideas can be found in Lao Tze's teachings. I found some passages that imply this.

The Daodejing

Chapter Two

Everyone in the world knows that when the beautiful strives to be beautiful, it is repulsive.
Everyone knows that when the good strives to be good, it is no good.
And so, to have and to lack generate each other.

This talks about opposites and how they co-exist with each other. The uselessness of desires is that the more u want something, the more u drift away from it. Don't say i want something, just do it! The style of nike!

Chapter 19
Cut off sageliness, abandon wisdom, and the people will benefit one-hundred-fold......
Cut off cleverness, abandon profit, and robbers and thieves will be no more.....
Manifest plainess.
Embrace simplicity.
Do not think just of yourself.
MAke few your desires.

Do not think, do not think highly of wisdom. Wisdom and knowledge is the root of all problem. When Eve and Adam ate the fruit of the Tree of knowledge, they got knowledge and got into trouble. God kicked them out of the paradise they used to be in. To get back to the Eden gardens, put the fruit of knowledge back to where it is. Abandon knowledge!

Fine tune your senses, train urself to be in what u r, then u will know how to react appropriately. Thinking doesn't help. Wanting something and desiring it also does not help u to achieve ur goal. A Zen master told me. The way to attain peace in ur heart is so simple, yet so difficult to do for so many people. This is also what Lao Tze had said before.

Chapter 70
My teachings are easy to understand and easy to implement;
But no one in the whole world has been able to understand or implement them.
My teachings have an ancestor and my activities have a lord;
But people fail to understand these and so I am not understood.

The Zen master carried on with his explanation. It is so simple, yet so difficult for people to do it. I wonder how many people can attain this level of tranquility. The way of life, is to be in what you are doing, the mindfulness mind of awareness. That is all. When u take a train, take a train. When u watch a movie, watch a movie. When u listen to a lecture, listen to a lecture. When u eat, just eat. When u talk, just talk. When u shower, just shower. When u sleep, just sleep. When u drink a good brew of tea, just drink the tea. I wish to abandon the thinking mind. It is thinking that brings about negative thoughts. It is distinctions that give rise to discrimination. But since i'm born with it, i shouldn't try so hard to be stupid and forget knowledge. I can have the best of both worlds.

So here i am, sitting in my house. Drinking my tea, not thinking about anything. So here I am, in the botanical gardens, being one with nature. I feed the swans at the swan lake. I saw two mices trying to steal food at the bandstand, a favourite picnic spot for visitors. I saw a bird catch an earth worm and enjoy its meal after its hunt. I saw pigeons flying around, cooing, not daunted by the presence of humans. I saw dogs run happily in the fields, they look happy. How do i noe they are happy? I noe it because they seem to be not thinking about anything at all, just running. I saw bougainvilleas and hibiscus plants. I saw a green fern and i went forward to feel the fern for myself. I flipped the leaves and look at the spore bags underneath. I saw three birds resting at a rock. I didn't know its name. For a moment, I was fooled into thinking that they were part of the decor. They were motionless and looked unalive. Then I was startled when one flapped its wing and flew off. Before I knew it, I was hungry and went for dinner.

When i'm on the train, everyone else don't seem to be on the train. Their minds are somewhere else. I observe those people around me. Some people were sleeping, some talking to their friends, kids play game boy, adults read newspaper. This jc kid was so into smsing. A women dressed in the business attire stares blankly. She seems to be lost in her own thought. I was the only one on the train. Some look back at me when they realise I'm looking at them. Maybe, they weren't so distracted afterall. I was a observer. And I see so many things I never use to see.

I have grown to like simplicity. So what is zen? Zen teaches u the way of life. The way of life is something so simple. It is something that can even fit into your palm.

I went to watch spider-lilies on my own. I was fully aware it's a art house film, made with intention of flaunting the aesthetical nature rather than a commercial film made for the audience's taste. I appreciate such films, owing to exposure and knowledge from one of the film modules I took in NUS. I wanted to watch this film, despite I know no one else would one to go. The fact that it's a Taiwanese film, a female director and the likes of Rainie Yang and Isabella Leong drives me to want to catch the film. According to my knowledge, there is not a lot of prominent female directors in the movie industry. Every director has their way of telling their story. A female perspective offers something new and refreshing. Though the show is not highly rated by the reviews and revolves around the theme of lesbians, it has much more to offer than what I had thought it would be. I enjoy the movie a lot, at least that's what I feel. The movie does not deserves the criticism that does so much injustice to its plot.

Zero Chou tells a sad tale of loneliness, emptiness and the burdens of memories and fantasies with her own style. The chinese name of the film, chi ching which means tattoo would be a more important theme than the lesbian element in the show. Every tattoo is significant. The tattoo is the identity of its bearer. The tattoo makes the bearer who he is. Jade (rainie)wants a spider lilly tattoo on her because she was forever obsessed with her first lover, who had the spider lilly tattoo on her.(her first lover is actually Takeko. but it was only one-sided, Takeko took no fancy of her) There was a punk on the show who felt his only existence was through his prove of might by beating up people on the street. He felt strong only when he had a sabre tattoo on both his arms. Chou is not the only director nor the first who plays with identity formation through external tangible objects. One common cinematic language is the use of clothes in relation to identity. But to say so about the significance of the tattoo to its bearer is new to me. The director explains so when the opening scene question whether a tattoo can be seen as a form of clothing on the human body. I do think that she did a fine job to express the message she wants to tell the audience with that. Takeko (Isabella Leong) was trapped in her world and obsessed with her memories and tattoos. To Jade, that tattoo is the reminiscence of the happy past romance, which contrast so much to that for Takeko, in which the tattoo reminds her of the obligations she had to her family and how costly love was for her. Through Takeko interspersed play-backs, the dark story of the spider Lilly was revealed. Takeko was in the arms of her lover one night. After their rendezvous, Takeko found out in shock that an earthquake had hit her home and she lost her parents, leaving only his younger brother still alive and traumatized. the spider-lilly tattoo on his father's arm was the only thing he could identify with and feel comfortable with. Takeko was guilt-ridden and decided to had that tattoo. It was the only way she could break into her brother's self-centered world and allow him to trust her again. She never trusted love again, for it had proven to only take more away from her.

I like the plot, and its insights to how much a tattoo can do. Everyone in the show fall prey to their dependence on the tattoo such that they had forgotten that the tattoos do not really determine who they are and how it can shape their lifes. It was a twist from how much it was expected out of tattoos,to how much it can really do. The outcome was a wicked cruel waking up to the reality. Memories are embodied in the tattoos. Although memories shape us who we are and how we think, the past that haunts us, can never allow us to break-though the stress and problems, unless we forget it and live afresh. It is so painful to live in the past, if only we can abandon the past and embrace the present, we can live more meaningfully. That is how i would interpret the movie. It is worth watching, but only with the awarness of it content, then can u appreciate the movie. Maybe it could come of as boring to most people, but if u catch all the little details and piece them together, it's possible to make sense out of it. The outcome is an art piece, clear and coherent, that delivers it sensual sensation to its viewer.

Finally, I got my lap top back. It's the only computer I have, and one of the important communication devices for me to keep myself updated on NUS commencment matters and contact friends with MSN. Problems followed after one another. The screen of my hp just went blank. Warrany is over. Using my old hand phone instead, which I was still keeping in case such a thing happen. I lost some of my friend's hp numbers, augmenting my inconveniences. No portable music player equipment to keep myself occupied during boring trips. Everything seems to mul-function at the same time. How timely! I neglect to mention that HP service center took 3 weeks to fix my lap top. How efficient they can get! I had a good break from the computers. Har! Like real....

I got tagged from Hanxun aeons ago. Well, what can I say? On obligations and deadlines to meet, it sounds too much like NUS routine life. I need a break and to do things only when I feel like doing it. Dear friend, hope you don't mind I took so long to finally feel like hitting the keyboard on my lappy and tag others. So here's how the game goes: Rule of the game: each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own 10 weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks! I do not think my list of social circle meets the quota of 6 people. I don't know. See how after I talk about the 10 things I have about myself.

1) It doesn't take a genius or a CAPS of 5 to tell that I'm a extremely shy person. Till this very day, I'm still one. There is a varying degree of such a behavior and it does not mean that a shy person rejects socialisation. It merely means a conflict between the desire to socialise and the fear of rejection at the same time. The result is a guy who chose to keep to himself and avoid the risk of uncontrollable situation in meeting strangers. I'm trying hard to accept my shyness and overcome the ills of it.

2) My ideal life is to retreat into the forest, have my hut and plot of land all to myself. Living the life of isolation like a hermit, like Tao Yuan Ming(陶渊明). I know its crazy! but it just appeal so much to me. Out there, the world is complicated. I want things simple. I don't want to intervene in other's affairs, like wise, i do not welcome interference in my affairs from others. Isn't it wonderful to plant chrysanthemum at my own leisure, only by chance see the far-away mountains? (采菊东篱下，悠然见南山). The idle life is great. We are merely actors in a play. When the play is over, the actors leave the stage and the audience clap and marvel. The play has finished and everyone goes home. How short and transient life is? How to enjoy life if we cannot for one moment, idle and do nothing, like fishes i keep? I observe my fishes. They seem so carefree and swim so happily without troubles. When they are tired, they rest on the broad leaves of the water plant I place in the tank. Even fishes do nothing by idling around!

3) I was obsessed with the idea of brotherhood at one point. I was influenced by the Peach garden oath between Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. This was the opening event in the novel Romance of the three kingdom. The three man swore to die on the same year, same month and same die, to signify their sincerity and faith in their brotherhood. I began my journey to search for worthy men to be my brothers. I got a sworn sister instead. Ermm. but we didn't say the same oath. That's something of the past already. No need to be exactly the same. Anyway, it's the best thing that ever happen to me. I couldn't ask for more.

4) I'm prone to insomnia. A lot of people wouldn't know this. A shy person is one who is too very much concerned with oneself. He displays narcissistic qualities where the individual concerns becomes overwhelming. He cannot focus on the current situation he faces and does too much inner-talking. He talks inside himself, asking questions like what should I say? What if I say something wrong? Would the things I say be interesting enough? At night, my self-reflection is at its most vigorous level. I think about what I say in the day. How I was received by others and what I should say so that it will be better and more interesting. It's frustrating sometimes. I couldn't sleep because I think too much. I have to learn to take words less seriously.

5) I'm proud to proclaim that I'm a follower of the Daoist philosophy. Effortless living, spontaneous way and flowing along the course of the river is what I love to achieve. Lesser of a Confucianism, and more of Zen Buddhism which teaches the same thing as the Dao of Zhuangzhi.

6) I enjoy to see people laugh or make people laugh. This makes me feel less tense and comfortable around them. Once, I did a presentation in NUS and make everyone laugh. It may not mean anything to people who can do it easily but to me, its a great acheivement. The satisfaction is more than picking up a million dollars on the street! Having a CAPS of 5 also won't bring me that kind of joy.

7) Friends sometimes comment that I laugh too much to myself without any apparent reason. So sorry man, it just my way of releasing the tension and pressure I felt in a conversation.

8) I can be a very very lazy person. I can be too lazy to get something to eat, too lazy to reply an sms, too lazy to do almost anything. It doesn't always go like that. It behaves like a cycle, I will be a complete lazy bum at one point, then I will just transform and become enthusiastic in anything I do. It is like how the Daoist describe it, "the weak become strong, the strong become weak", the opposites co-exist and inter-change at appropriate times. This has its deep roots in my inclination for an idle life.

9) I treasure my relationship with others a lot. When I make friends, I am ready to form intimate and close relationship with them. I have few friends, and the friends I have will eventually become best friends.

10) I despise the lesser man. In other words, the petty man (小人), who is caught up with his own gains and status. These are despicable people who enjoy office politics, gossipping, bent on ruining other and using others as stepping stones to get what they want. They just don't care about the others and want things for themselves. Sad to say, there's plenty of such people around. Where can I find a gentleman (君子) so that I can have a word with him? One who is sensitive to other's needs and care for others. A gentleman shows loving compassion for others. He wishes to do good for others and not to harm others.

So who to tag?hmm.... let me see.... Definitely my sworn sis, followed by joyce, xiao yang, shu rong, guo zhen and Nasir! Guys, take ur time to respond to this tag game.

On teaching

It is a surprise that i got my teaching post. I heard negative news that selection is strict. On the other hand, i heard that selection is slack. I do not know which one is true. There was a little anxiety and uncertainty while i waited for the response. I think i did not do well for the interview. Now, i'm relieved that i got the 1.5 year teaching contract before MOE would offer me the 3yr bond teaching. All is good and well. No worries for now.

Life?!?!?
What is an ideal way to live? If u ask me this question, i do not know how to answer u. How would i noe? But i do enjoy drinking tea from the tea set i bought recently. Using a wooden spoon-like utensil, i transfer the tea leaves into the tea pot. There is two tea pot, one to mix the tea leaves with added hot water. The other will be used to contain the hot tea. It is necessary to transfer the tea from one pot to another, otherwise the remnants of the tea leaves continue to affect the quality of the tea. As time goes, the tea becomes more bitter if u do not transfer the tea and leave the leaves behind.

At first, the tea i brewed had a very plain taste, because i was impatient and i didn't add enough tea leaves. I didn't wait long enough for the taste and essence of the tea leaves to be diffused into the water. On my 2nd try, the tea is too bitter because i was greedy and added too much leaves and gave it too much time to settle. The tea was beyond good balance. I felt like spitting the tea as it was too unbearable for my sense of taste. The 3rd time, the tea was good. Suddenly, every other thing is no longer matters to me. All i noe was that i was drinking tea and enjoying myself. Then when i finish my tea, i was back to my revision for my upcoming exams.

The rich is not good. The poor and undernourished is not good either. What is good then? The balance between the two extremes! But what is this mid-point in life? I do not know. All i noe is i want to brew some good tea and enjoy my tea. This is life.

Don't take words so seriously. Don't distinguish things. This is what i learn from Zhuangzi. Just have a good laugh about what i'm about to say next.

Wandering freely; Distinguishing chio and not chio.

If we see what our sight have delight in seeing, we will grant the object to be beautiful and pleasurable to our sense of sight. Who is a chio bu and who is not a chio bu? Shall we be concern about that? My friend say that he wants a chio bu to be his stead. Does it make sense to say that statement? What kind of chio bu does he meant? Do not distinguish chio and not chio. It cannot be done. Have you not found a same girl to be chio and not chio even though she has not change much physically? I do. Sometimes, she seems chio and sometimes she doesn't. If I cannot be sure about whether a person is chio or not, then how do i know whether she is chio or not? I say it is unneccessary to look for a chio bu stead consciously, for your stead will be chio to you no matter what other thinks. If you have stead, your stead will be chio. So y say i want to find a chio bu stead. If you do not find your stead chio, then you do not delight in seeing your stead. Then what kind of a bf are u?

You may think that i'm speaking nonsense here but can you be sure that i'm speaking nonsense?

Interview crisis

I can be really nervous when it comes to speaking in front strangers, especially a group of them. To some extent, public speaking is as bad as going for a interview. The mean and awful panal of interviewers scare the hell out of me. In my younger days, my most dreadful exams are the oral exams. I went for my MOE teaching post interview. On top of this frigthening encounter, i was late for the interview, that really screw things up. The interviewers look friendly, but i just couldn't make myself feel comfortable. I was quite at one's wits with the questions they ask, i just try to at least give them an answer. I don't noe whether its satisfying answer for them but i made the same mistake of going too much into chinese culture. When i think back, i think i had given them an answer which is going to really affect their opinion of chossing me to be a biology teacher. The last question was so crucial, but i was too caught up in my own world of thoughts. Asked wat job i would do if i'm not chosen as teacher, i answered that i want to be an assitant curator to work in the museum, which is really my sincere answer. Jia lat, i also asked them whether i can teach chinese and biology or not. Sometimes, it doesn't pay to be honest. I bet that they will start thinking that this crazy life science guy ain't interested in biology, or to say life science at all, since he's not pursuing a career in his field. What makes him committed into teaching biology and chemistry, he is more suitable to teach chinese. I realise they were hinting that with the questions they ask. But faced with telling the truth or telling a lie (what they would want to hear so that i can get the job), i had chosen the former. Actually that is the real case, frankly speaking, i would like to teach chinese more. But i also mention that Confucian classic of Yi Jing, the book of change adovacates adapting to the environment, capitalise on what u already have and apply it to what u r in. I did support myself by saying that a complete person needs the knowledge of science, and the morality to use science correctly, which we learn from confucian values. Dear dear, wat to do now, except to hope that they are convinced that i'm balanced and is adaptable.

So what do you know bout being tough? In every one's mental picture, the ideal guy is one who is tough. He has no fears. He is optimistic. He knows what to do and he can handle every situation you throw him into. He is in control. He doesn't chicken out when facing a challenge. He never drops a single tear, except when he's cutting onions. Tough guy cutting onions, wat the ****...... Oh ya, plus the physical built. Yeah, that's the tough guy. Not just a tough guy, but that's how a guy should be. But what if someone ain't a tough guy? So what happens to him? He goes around trying to show he is tough, where in fact he ain't. Because if he don't, people will perceive him as a weakling and no one likes to be call that. The society has no place for the weak and the incompetent. He deceives himself, like how he deceives the others. He puts a brave front and hide his true emotions. How long more can he take this? How far can he stretch himself? Surely, the limit will be reached. Then, puff! presto! tough guy no more. What happens to the tough guy? Where has he gone to? Don't know! The suaveness and the bearing of a person, can be created artificially. He looks tough, but is he really so?

Once i was in MacDonald's of NUS. I was alone, waiting for my friend. Besides my table, there was two guys chatting. I never meant to eavesdrop. But the proximity allows me to gather what they r saying. Not my fault. What u want me to do? clamp my ears and don't listen? Maybe i shouldn't talk bout them. Don't care. So Guy A bout Guy B about guy B's upcoming date. Earlier on, guy B had been lamenting bout his own plight. How sucky his life is. how uninspiring and all the downs of life. Guy A reminded Guy B not to ever mention bout life being sucky in front of the girl. Ok, fair enough. i won't want to hang out with some loser too. But guy B mentioned something i overlook. I think its worth to put careful thoughts to it. Guy B asked, "isn't that so fake? y pretend to be enthusiastic about life when I'm not? i don't want to lie. I don' want to pretend I'm good and optimistic, where in fact I'm not." Guy A replied, " let's not be too concerned about whether tat's lying a not. Being honest doesn't pay. Look, that's just how it is. If u want to get a girl, u got to appear confident, competent and reliable."

Doesn't it sound like the nature of a job interview? Present to the panel of interviewers what they want to see in you and u get the job. Show them u have leadership skills, show them they need you and you possess the character resources that they are looking for. A bunch of liar, we all have been trained to become. I don't want to appear optimistic, confident and competent. I want to be genuinely optimistic, confident and competent. I want the real stuff of "inner" toughness. Maybe i won't achieve the ideal toughness of a guy. But at least, i see that i have been deluded into thinking i can appear strong. That's not being strong at all. I want to be true to myself. That's the most important thing. It is what is inside that counts the most. The inner self is more important than the outer self. I don't want to evade the issue and not to speak of it. That is just delaying the moment of confrontation. Sooner or later, its gonna come back, and hit you with more damage.

I despise and hate the voice inside me that always coerce me into disillusions and try to make me feel lousy and down. I tried to run away from it. But every time, it haunts me again. It's the final showdown. It's now or never.......