Interview crisis

I can be really nervous when it comes to speaking in front strangers, especially a group of them. To some extent, public speaking is as bad as going for a interview. The mean and awful panal of interviewers scare the hell out of me. In my younger days, my most dreadful exams are the oral exams. I went for my MOE teaching post interview. On top of this frigthening encounter, i was late for the interview, that really screw things up. The interviewers look friendly, but i just couldn't make myself feel comfortable. I was quite at one's wits with the questions they ask, i just try to at least give them an answer. I don't noe whether its satisfying answer for them but i made the same mistake of going too much into chinese culture. When i think back, i think i had given them an answer which is going to really affect their opinion of chossing me to be a biology teacher. The last question was so crucial, but i was too caught up in my own world of thoughts. Asked wat job i would do if i'm not chosen as teacher, i answered that i want to be an assitant curator to work in the museum, which is really my sincere answer. Jia lat, i also asked them whether i can teach chinese and biology or not. Sometimes, it doesn't pay to be honest. I bet that they will start thinking that this crazy life science guy ain't interested in biology, or to say life science at all, since he's not pursuing a career in his field. What makes him committed into teaching biology and chemistry, he is more suitable to teach chinese. I realise they were hinting that with the questions they ask. But faced with telling the truth or telling a lie (what they would want to hear so that i can get the job), i had chosen the former. Actually that is the real case, frankly speaking, i would like to teach chinese more. But i also mention that Confucian classic of Yi Jing, the book of change adovacates adapting to the environment, capitalise on what u already have and apply it to what u r in. I did support myself by saying that a complete person needs the knowledge of science, and the morality to use science correctly, which we learn from confucian values. Dear dear, wat to do now, except to hope that they are convinced that i'm balanced and is adaptable.

So what do you know bout being tough? In every one's mental picture, the ideal guy is one who is tough. He has no fears. He is optimistic. He knows what to do and he can handle every situation you throw him into. He is in control. He doesn't chicken out when facing a challenge. He never drops a single tear, except when he's cutting onions. Tough guy cutting onions, wat the ****...... Oh ya, plus the physical built. Yeah, that's the tough guy. Not just a tough guy, but that's how a guy should be. But what if someone ain't a tough guy? So what happens to him? He goes around trying to show he is tough, where in fact he ain't. Because if he don't, people will perceive him as a weakling and no one likes to be call that. The society has no place for the weak and the incompetent. He deceives himself, like how he deceives the others. He puts a brave front and hide his true emotions. How long more can he take this? How far can he stretch himself? Surely, the limit will be reached. Then, puff! presto! tough guy no more. What happens to the tough guy? Where has he gone to? Don't know! The suaveness and the bearing of a person, can be created artificially. He looks tough, but is he really so?

Once i was in MacDonald's of NUS. I was alone, waiting for my friend. Besides my table, there was two guys chatting. I never meant to eavesdrop. But the proximity allows me to gather what they r saying. Not my fault. What u want me to do? clamp my ears and don't listen? Maybe i shouldn't talk bout them. Don't care. So Guy A bout Guy B about guy B's upcoming date. Earlier on, guy B had been lamenting bout his own plight. How sucky his life is. how uninspiring and all the downs of life. Guy A reminded Guy B not to ever mention bout life being sucky in front of the girl. Ok, fair enough. i won't want to hang out with some loser too. But guy B mentioned something i overlook. I think its worth to put careful thoughts to it. Guy B asked, "isn't that so fake? y pretend to be enthusiastic about life when I'm not? i don't want to lie. I don' want to pretend I'm good and optimistic, where in fact I'm not." Guy A replied, " let's not be too concerned about whether tat's lying a not. Being honest doesn't pay. Look, that's just how it is. If u want to get a girl, u got to appear confident, competent and reliable."

Doesn't it sound like the nature of a job interview? Present to the panel of interviewers what they want to see in you and u get the job. Show them u have leadership skills, show them they need you and you possess the character resources that they are looking for. A bunch of liar, we all have been trained to become. I don't want to appear optimistic, confident and competent. I want to be genuinely optimistic, confident and competent. I want the real stuff of "inner" toughness. Maybe i won't achieve the ideal toughness of a guy. But at least, i see that i have been deluded into thinking i can appear strong. That's not being strong at all. I want to be true to myself. That's the most important thing. It is what is inside that counts the most. The inner self is more important than the outer self. I don't want to evade the issue and not to speak of it. That is just delaying the moment of confrontation. Sooner or later, its gonna come back, and hit you with more damage.

I despise and hate the voice inside me that always coerce me into disillusions and try to make me feel lousy and down. I tried to run away from it. But every time, it haunts me again. It's the final showdown. It's now or never.......