Javier's Fables: The Mouse in the Pavilion


The Botanical Gardens is a fabulous place to visit. Quiet, serene and beautiful, your sight is spoilt for choice of delight with the diversity of plants and flowers. Such a colourful scenery and velvety greens are for all visitors to behold and appreciate. In the heart of the Botanical Gardens, there is a old pavilion known as the Bandstand. It has been used as a platform for British orchestra band to perform on while the gentlemen and ladies waltz to the music. Music has ceased to resonate from the bandstand. It is now used as a resting place for visitors of the park. Also, it is the home to a family of mouse, papa mouse, mama mouse and little mouse. Visitors who are busy with thoughts in their mind will fail to notice the family of mouse living in the bandstand. If only they could focus more on the external, less on the internal! All things, big and small, are beautiful when you just pay a little more attention. A keen observer always sees things differently as they spot details which common people fail to notice.

The last time, the two Great Thinkers, Nelson and Javier met to talk about issues and share their insight was in the Arts Canteen. How can we ever forget about the interesting discussion about the mynahs between the two of them? Now, Nelson and Javier were meditating in the bandstand to focus their thoughts and gain inner calmness. Javier stopped his meditation before Nelson. And he was there to play the role of an passive observer. At the four corners of the squarish pavilion were holes for the draining of the water that leads to the underground sewage pipes. Shortly after, a tiny head that belongs to a mouse pops out of the hole and disappears quickly. Javier had managed to catch a glimpse of it. He focus his attention on that hole. The mouse did the same thing a few times. It leaped out of the hole, only to jump back into the hole within a split second. Javier was thinking to himself, "How cute and adorable the mouse is! All things big and small is beautiful, when we are appreciative of its natural state. " Javier was fascinated by what he was seeing, that he wore a smile on his face now and watch on to see what the mouse is up to next. The mouse was agile, alert and cautious. It dared not make any advance too quickly unless its is sure that its safe. But the mouse had no idea that Javier was aware of its presence....or perhaps the mouse feels the Javier was of no threat to it, but better to be safe than sorry, it's primitive instinctive behaviour is still very much in control. The experiences from its ancestors and the changes over the years through evolution had taught it to be always on lookout and not to be complacent. Whatever it is, Javier has no intention of malice, he is merely interesting in watching. The mouse is heading towards the wooden chair. The chair is not its destination, merely a hiding place for it. Javier concludes that the mouse is scouting for food but fail to spot any. Another mouse then emerge from the same hole with a small mouse following closely behind. "Ah... So its a family of mouse. How nice and wonderful!" Javier thought to himself.

Nelson had finished his meditation. He was very curious when he saw Javier smiling and asked him why. Javier told him about the mouse. Nelson replied," How can you find the mouse adorable and cute? They are vermin! Pests! Carrier of disease! Creatures of the foul! Surely, you cannot associate with something like that, can you? " "That may be true but when i was watching them, I did not think of it that way. I do not see them as pest, vermin or creatures of the foul. All I see is an animal that is part of the whole nature that we are in. I see it as what it is, a mouse, merely a mouse with no attachment of labels to it. A mouse as a mouse, that's all. I'm appreciating the mouse at this very moment, because I did not think too much, just observe and be here in this instant. " Nelson said," i do not understand. Please care to explain." Javier replied, "Perhaps this story will make you understand, I call it the 'The man and the raspberries' "

There was a traveller. He was walking in the forest when he spotted a tiger. The tiger gave chase and the man accidentally fell off a cliff while he was running away from the tiger. He manage to hang on to some branches and roots at the side of the cliff. With the tiger, waiting to prance onto him if he climbs up to the cliff, things just got worse when he notice that there were two rats gnawing on the roots that he was holding onto. He was in a dire state, he panic and was at lost what to do. Suddenly, he saw some raspberry within sight. He was so happy that he reach out for it and pop a few into his mouth. "Hmmm...nice and delicious"

Javier finished telling his tale and asked Nelson, "Do you understand what the story means?" Nelson replied"How delightful I am that one story made me understand the universal truth! The man knew that he was in danger. But he seize the moment he was in when he ate the raspberry and felt happy about it when he knew that the next moment he might fall of the cliff and die. We should not dwell on the past, neither should we worry about the future. Appreciate what we have now and respond to the situation we are in. Likewise, when you were watching the mouse, you enjoy what you were seeing at that instant with no attachments of the past and future. Our knowledge tells us that a mouse is a pest but when u were watching it, it was merely being itself, not a pest. So it is not a pest. It is as it is, a mouse as a mouse. I understand what you mean now. " Javier nod and both satisfied with the time spent in the bandstand, the two of them left the pavilion for the lake shortly after.

Unexplanable Emotions

Never attempt to explain or understand your feelings. Its a enigmatic mechanism that determines part of you. The beauty of humans is that we are rational and that we are emotional too. Its something that speaks from your heart but its indescrible, when you try to explain your emotions.

I thought i have made my mind to leave the school. But after the games with my class today, some strange feelings started to kick in.... Its the feelings of 不舍得 (Bu She De) i dont noe how to put it in english....could not bear to leave my students? But somehow in english, it doens't sound rite... diff. from what it means to me in chinese. Bu She De.... means more than not bearing to leave. Its a sense of attachment, and belonging. To not be willing to abandon that. To be mixed with a feeling of sadness and grief with the choice of parting with it.

I may feel like this today, but what can be guranteed of tml? will i feel like this tml? will i feel otherwise tml? Can't say.. can't be determined for sure. That's y it is called emotions or the ever-changing feelings.....

Sub-consciousness of Confucian thoughts

I had to emphasize again that it's totally out of my expectation that I could ever be like this, to say things like this, to think like this so effortlessly. For the first time, it seems so natural and so genuine that I could hardly believe that I would say anything like this. It's actually hidden somewhere inside of me, and that now it gets uncovered by itself, without any conscious effort. I'm adapting. I'm changing. I'm learning it and getting at it. I feel so humane... in a sense that it's not acting anymore. I'm truly myself when i said those words. Words that resonate Confucian thoughts of human nature.

On that instant, words just come out from my heart, sincere words. I was saying things to the student for her bad conduct in class. Those who are familiar with Confucian thoughts will definitely see and understand what I'm talking about. I tend to remember every single word I said, and hence made this entry possible to be reproduced in my blog.

"Now that you have been though your primary school, you should know what is appropriate in class and what is inappropriate in class. I think there is no need for me to list out to you the school rules, now that you are in secondary school. You would have it in your heart. Everyone can be good. Everyone knows how to be good. It is inside of you. And i know your nature is good, and that sometimes bad conduct simply manifest in you. But you always have a choice, to be good or bad, its all up to you. "

Human nature is always good. That's what Mencius has claimed, and the slogan of his philosophy. Xunzi however, believes that human nature is bad. Perhaps there is no point in arguing who is right and wrong, for this thoughts survived long ages and still find itself existing till this very day. Perhaps there is no contradiction, only a matter of preference of which idea to be comfortable with. This is like the fact that some people like the taste of sweetness, some like sourness, some enjoy spiciness.

Today, i actually said something Confucian without me knowing it. That is always what i have wanted to try to achieve, to attain effortless living. that's so Cool.......And i shall remember this day and mark its significance in my life.

It's a crazy crazy Day


It was a clear morning, which is a go-sign for the games to commence. The school has organized inter-class games as the post-exam activities for the first half of the day. Today, the sec. one students get to play captain's ball. The players in my class were fantastic. They were superb. I was there for them all the way. I cheer, shout and jumping with ecstasy as I got so absorbed in the atmosphere that i created myself. I got the morale of the class up, my other students got influenced as well as they see me so excited like never before. They keep asking me to calm down but i couldn't. Its just being myself. I was running from one side of the court to the other, shouting whenever my class is in possession, crying out in elation whenever my class scores. I don't think I had ever been like that and I would ever be like. Seeing them play like that, just makes me want to give them my utmost support. As a spectator, its the most i can do. No teacher was as crazy as me at that moment. And when my class emerged champions, the triumph is so sweet and satisfying. I just can't control myself that upon the blowing of the whistle, i run into the court and hug the players and we start to stack up onto each other on the ground,we were a bunch of tired players but happy ones. What other way to celebrate our victory than to get together and appreciate each other's effort and contribution towards the game, to play our heart and soul, to be part of the team... WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!

It has been made official now, and that the upper management level has learn of my intentions of leaving the teaching force. I was called into the principle's office. Speaking to him for the very first time, but with the V-P and HOD around, I was asked to comment about my stand on teaching. I had to make a decision with two paths to chose from, to stay and teach for 3 years or to leave and pursue something else. Face with such a situation, I decided to be frank and honest with them and given them a sincere answer...... the truth, my heartfelt thoughts. From the very first day of teaching, I fail to have a change of heart, that I would want to carry on teaching. The initial stage of adaptation, will always make it a little hard to accept new things. I dislike my tuition sessions initially too, but i grew to enjoy it. But in this case, being a teacher, to face a class of forty students, to be accountable for the students, to discipline the students, to deal with difficult students.......... at the end of the day, I do not enjoy what i'm doing in class. At times, i admit to my collegues that the paper work and admin matters is much better than to teach in class. To most teachers, administrative matters is distasteful and grew dreadful of it. I felt otherwise, which probably is self-explanatory, when the factor of teaching in class is brought into consideration.

My experience in school is not entirely bad, some nice moments....just a few of that... I'm proud to also say my form class is the better-behaved class out of the other classes I teached. Occassionally, my students who run into me would say to me that they would hope that i teach them next year. My form class also requested that I should be their form teacher next year. Well, to be honest, I do feel some kind of attachment to my form class. That's the class I will scold because I feel that I have to. Its rather strange to claim that, I'm acting to be stern, most of the time. My close friends know about this, that I have shared with them. To me, being firm and stern does not come naturally. It is something artificial, like a masquerade that I put on. To scold or discipline students is something I don't noe how to do, which i find it very hard to do. I'm acting like a teacher. I'm acting most of the time. I know that it is neccessary to instill discipline in class, but it does not come naturally. I don't noe why i can't do it. But when it comes to my form class, most of the time but not all the time, when i do discpline the kids, it comes rather naturally. Could it be because of the personal attachment I have to the students that results in this? I do not know. Perhaps, unconsciously, my heart does the distinction. When I say something to them, attached to the words are my sincere words from my heart. That's the class which I know the students well. And of course remember their names.

It was not a clear cut choice that I have made abruptly. I have taken a serious thought to the matter, weighing both sides of the deal... the things i will like about teaching, the things that i don't like about teaching. I have to make a choice. The answers are actually all inside of me already, buried deep inside. All I have to do, is to discover that inner-self. This is the decision that I have made. I will have to move on to pursue something else that is more suited to my nature.

Nothing much to do, I walk around in class to talk to the students. I love that more than teaching. Teaching is so dry to me...so boring....so lethargic to teach science on a class level. I still prefer one-to-one tuition, where things can progress more on a personal level. Its hard to understand 40 students at one go and to understand one student whom you face for 1.5hrs during the tuition session. In class teaching, I always feel a big gap.....though physically I'm there, but deep down, I feel very far from the students, I can feel the void and distance... and I'm unable to fill up that distance. I don't know y... and I dont noe how. I like to talk cock with students. But i noe i can't do it during my lesson. Post-exam period is the most conducive period of time to talk cock with the students. One of the students asked me whether i got girlfriend. Well, the answer is no. She replied that she have a boyfriend.

"You shouldn't try to have a relationship",

"y not, teacher",

"because you will end up being hurt at the end of the day. Can you cope with that?"

Bitter-sweet.... it can be really sweet, during that very instant, you will have thought that the very reason you live in this world is to find this special person and live with her forever and for eternity. She is everything you ever needed. Yet it can be so bitter, that you wish that you would just die off so that you won't have to suffer like that anymore.

I have moved on. And i'm not sure, at times, whether i can cope with another heart-wreaking matter of such. No one likes to live in misery, no one likes to get hurt, but I think that we shoudn't run away and escape from that glimpse of happiness just for the fear of that. It's about being strong to handle that. In life, you toughen yourself up, step by step, no matter how small each step is. Running away from a obstacle will never do you good. Somehow, you will run into that same situation again. When you are in that situation, r u ready to face it? R u able to learn from it despite the dissappoinment, pick youself up, move on, and face it again? Some chose not to, but I know We ALL CAN. But kids at that age..... I noe they are not ready yet. They don't noe so many things..... which we do noe..... They are not ready yet.

There was nothing much to do, not anything to do with proper lessons or official school activities in class. Its the period of time teachers and students can look forward to and appreciate. Post-exam period is relaxing to a certain extent, at least there's no lesson, just paper work, lots and lots of score updating and ammendments. I relish the paper work, though it can be quite tiring. The earlier part of the period is hellish, marking scripts is a terrible ordeal which strains your back and blur your vision. Leaving school at wee hours of 7, all I can do is to go home and sleep. Yes, 7 is considered late for a teacher to be going home, considering that I report to school at 7.30am. The second half of the period, which will be the next coming week, would be heavenly. Papers have been marked. Score have been entered into the database. Student's remark is done with. Promotion excercise is completed yesterday. I was "dumped" by my co-form teacher, my collegue who should have been there with me to oversee the whole discussion. Well, I was called into action as I was asked to comment on one of my students in the consideration of advancement to the next level. It was so stressful. Well, I always hated to speak in front of the public. Now, they expect me to speak in front of my HODs, V-Ps, Principal and all the teachers. A little too much to handle for a new UNTRAINED CONTRACT teacher who was given five classes to teach and to be a form teacher of a class while the other permanent teacher with more years of experience than me, to be the Co-Form of my class. AND she's not even present to speak for the class. On the other hand, let's be positive a bit and view it as a good experience. It does. I mean it is really good that i expose myself to mass discussion like this to gain the insights into the perspective of streaming. I consider the segregation of students into express stream, normal academic and normal technical to be classification according to intellectual capabilites. And this inherent characteristic is measured in view of his academic performance. During the discussion, some views are quite contradictory. I dont understand.....at first i thought i do....then i don't noe anymore about the purpose of the whole excercise. It seems to me that promotion to the next level is a certain thing, to give students a second chance. Given the attitude problems and poor performance, students will still move on the the next level instead of retaining or shifted from express to normal. The reason given for not doing so is to fear that such a degrading move will further deteoriate the student's performance and attitude. I have to agree that this will have a impact on the student's morale. But that is the problem of streaming in the very first place. So what justifies a poorly performing student to remain in the express stream? Sec 1 still young, still can give chance? Ok, i think i will buy that for now. Fair eoungh, Let's be a bit more forgiving and give chance. But who can give the students in normal academic a second chance, who in the first place is demoralised by streaming already. There are students who adavnce from normal academic to express, the minorities..... What about the majorities, who will still continue to spiral down, to a bottomless pit...into abyss......

It was totally caught of by surprise by the efficiency and the pace things go. I sent in the application form online last night, applying for the post of a personal financial manager for DBS bank and this morning they call me up and want me to go for the interview tml. I'm exhilarated no doubt, their response showed the how much they value their applicants. Things look positive, i sort of have a gut feeling that the nature of this job is complementary to my own personality. I'm not really too concerned about the pay, a teacher's pay is high, but i think i will sent most of the money on medical bills eventually....... so the pay evens out to nothing. hahahah.... I noe i shouldn't place my hopes too high, but i'm already looking forward to the change of working environment. What am I thinking of? I'm not even clear about the exact details of my job scope! I have to calm my nerves and stay cool......

From "The importance of living"

There was a devotee who has strong faith in Buddhism. She would chant "Ambitabha" three hundred times at night, before she sleeps, to accumulate good merit and blessing for her family. Her son was quite the opposite of her, for he does not believe in this practice of the religion. One night, when the women was chanting, the son would call out to her every time she finish one line. So she was irritated and asked the son to shut up. The son replied: "Wouldn't Buddha feel as irritated as you do if he can hear you calling out his name 300 times?"

Its the examination week for the students. Boy, am I wrong that I could enjoy some peace from the students! The kids are crazy and i'm frustrated about their activeness. I had no means of controlling them when i invigilate my own form class. The two clowns in my class kept doing things to make the rest of the class laugh. I couldn't keep them quiet during the exam!!! What has the world come to? Don't they have the slightest idea that there should be absolute silence to concentrate on exams? Such chaos is unprecedented during my school days. Kids are going wild nowadays. No law, no rules.... they simply don't care anymore.......

I'm relieved that i won't see them for the other papers. Today's invigilation went rather well. At least they were doing their papers, not doing something else instead. Upcoming highlight would be the marking of accretion of exam papers. Sick and tired, I miss the peace and solace of quietness, when can i go to the botanical gardens again?