So what do you know bout being tough? In every one's mental picture, the ideal guy is one who is tough. He has no fears. He is optimistic. He knows what to do and he can handle every situation you throw him into. He is in control. He doesn't chicken out when facing a challenge. He never drops a single tear, except when he's cutting onions. Tough guy cutting onions, wat the ****...... Oh ya, plus the physical built. Yeah, that's the tough guy. Not just a tough guy, but that's how a guy should be. But what if someone ain't a tough guy? So what happens to him? He goes around trying to show he is tough, where in fact he ain't. Because if he don't, people will perceive him as a weakling and no one likes to be call that. The society has no place for the weak and the incompetent. He deceives himself, like how he deceives the others. He puts a brave front and hide his true emotions. How long more can he take this? How far can he stretch himself? Surely, the limit will be reached. Then, puff! presto! tough guy no more. What happens to the tough guy? Where has he gone to? Don't know! The suaveness and the bearing of a person, can be created artificially. He looks tough, but is he really so?

Once i was in MacDonald's of NUS. I was alone, waiting for my friend. Besides my table, there was two guys chatting. I never meant to eavesdrop. But the proximity allows me to gather what they r saying. Not my fault. What u want me to do? clamp my ears and don't listen? Maybe i shouldn't talk bout them. Don't care. So Guy A bout Guy B about guy B's upcoming date. Earlier on, guy B had been lamenting bout his own plight. How sucky his life is. how uninspiring and all the downs of life. Guy A reminded Guy B not to ever mention bout life being sucky in front of the girl. Ok, fair enough. i won't want to hang out with some loser too. But guy B mentioned something i overlook. I think its worth to put careful thoughts to it. Guy B asked, "isn't that so fake? y pretend to be enthusiastic about life when I'm not? i don't want to lie. I don' want to pretend I'm good and optimistic, where in fact I'm not." Guy A replied, " let's not be too concerned about whether tat's lying a not. Being honest doesn't pay. Look, that's just how it is. If u want to get a girl, u got to appear confident, competent and reliable."

Doesn't it sound like the nature of a job interview? Present to the panel of interviewers what they want to see in you and u get the job. Show them u have leadership skills, show them they need you and you possess the character resources that they are looking for. A bunch of liar, we all have been trained to become. I don't want to appear optimistic, confident and competent. I want to be genuinely optimistic, confident and competent. I want the real stuff of "inner" toughness. Maybe i won't achieve the ideal toughness of a guy. But at least, i see that i have been deluded into thinking i can appear strong. That's not being strong at all. I want to be true to myself. That's the most important thing. It is what is inside that counts the most. The inner self is more important than the outer self. I don't want to evade the issue and not to speak of it. That is just delaying the moment of confrontation. Sooner or later, its gonna come back, and hit you with more damage.

I despise and hate the voice inside me that always coerce me into disillusions and try to make me feel lousy and down. I tried to run away from it. But every time, it haunts me again. It's the final showdown. It's now or never.......