I have lost my ability to appreciate simplicity. Gone is my acute observational skills for the tiniest things. That's y everything is so dull and mundane. The expectation for more gets a person nowhere. I used to have a blog before this. That was writings during my "naive" times in NUS. There, i tried to inject my sense of humour into every possible occurrence. I can still remember that i depict my first try on a bicycle in absolutely the most ridiculous way ever. It was so easy, back then. Perhaps, when i click delete to remove that blog, it means that i have really forsaken that sort of life sub-consciously. Now, i struggle to update my blog. I have to think hard to decide on what to write. I have to struggle to reflect my life. It becomes worst, because there is nothing to reflect about. Is this what it means to enter adulthood? Becoming numb to everything. Living a life just for the sake of being in existence. identity crisis! Boring.....
I hope i have something to write about. Really sincerely do!

I reach home late. I went for a shower. Something is looking and watching my every movement. I don't like it. Such voyeuristic behavior is freaking me out..... Now the voyeur is moving across the floor, slowly and silently. I watched, and ready to response at the slightest provocation. First, it was on the floor, then it climbed up to the walls. I tried to end my bath quick as I sense the premonition of impending catastrophe. It will be break out into a mayhem if things were allowed to progress that far. It made the first move. I wished it wasn't so but apparently it is equipped with the very thing I fear it possess. It flew across to the water pipes, then shower cap that was hung on the other side of the wall. OK, it can fly. Now, that's not something that can be handled easily. I warned it in a stern voice, not to perform any foolish acts while I dry myself up and put on my attire. This is the moment that I'm most vulnerable, both my hands used and engaged in something. I won't be able to react fast enough should it tried to do anything funny. It was a good thing that cooperation was achieved. The truce don't last long. I observe and contemplate my next move. Its feelers were moving frantically. There is tension in the atmosphere. It was really big. I would say its length is about 8-10cm, and the most disturbing truth is that it can fly. It flew. It was so sudden and quick while i was still in my own thoughts of my next move. It pre-emptive flight was heading my direction. towards my face. It was purely instinct, my martial arts instinct where i raised my fist and punch the disgusting, ugly cockroach to defend myself. My fist landed on the creature, which took its opponent too lightly. I'm not one who evades neither was i intimidated by its awe. Sure, it is big, but it is nothing to me. I felt it, for the very first time. The physical contact is brief, but to be able to feel it! Picture how much force resulted from the collision. It must have flying at me with some force too. To create such a force, certainly the mass has to be there. Force equals mass multiplies acceleration, elementary physics, my dear. This guy is huge, for a cockroach, certainly enough to send some running away in fear. But i stayed on and fought.

The poor guy fell to the ground and hid itself in a well-concealed corner. My benevolent disposition compels me to let the matter rest. I left it where it was and went away. Its enough. It has learnt its lesson.

Looking at the past; Nostalgic

How we chose to see the past is constructed by our own views and opinion. The timeline is linear and progresses. The past is over and gone, something we can never reach. Our memories of the past is often idealistic and romanticise. The nostalgic sentiments we have is a longing for an idealistc glorified past. It is not exactly what the past is, because we only chose to see it as perfect, an answer to our present, a way to mould and make out of our future. In a way, nostalgic is an answer to progress and modernity. Amid progess and change, one get lost and cannot help to face the anxiety he will experience. And along this path, his unhappiness and dissatisfaction forces him to look into the past to look for what is lacking. A mother says to his son how she misses the times when he was still an adorable baby and it felt like it was just yesterday. She appreciates and enjoy those moment. We chose to see it that way, that the past is something good and we long for it. Escapism is a good way to put it across. How true is this? The ancient chinese philosophers also did it. Confucius quoted the ancient sage kings as role models. Everyone quotes the way of the ancient sage kings and admit there was an ideal age of antiquity. Nostalgic is not something new. There is always a tendency to fall back into the past, glorifiying the past and loving the past.

Learning this concept, i understood my devotion to the past. The "Romance" in the "Romance of the three kingdom" has its unqiue appeal that i never understood. I never understood the invisible force of the novel that reels me in . The word romance refers to something idealistic. One so perfect, flawless and wonderful. Now u noe y love and dating always associate with romance. The romance in the novel shed light on the issues of conduct and morality. It portrays an benevolent true ruler in Liu Bei, an loyal intelligent minister in Zhu Ge Liang, righteousness conduct in Guan Yu and the display of courage in Zhang Fei. These r qualities in the chinese culture, Confucianism, that everyman strived to possess. This is the "romance" of the novel. This extraordinary people of the past has acheived it and show what the impact they made on shaping the history of china.

My discontent and lost of direction in this current world has made the past particularly appealing. Yet, i do not disregard this society completely. It is merely my way of looking at the present. The past show me the way and what the present is. This is me.

Thinking like a Mohist

What job can i do? What job can i look for? Should it be something I like? Should it be a job that pays well? Should money be the primary concern? Should my interest be of the primary concern? If I'm to examine the reasons, will I find an answer? Let me see.

If I do a job which pays well and it is something that i do not like, I will not enjoy the job. I will grumble and complain. I will be lacklustre and lethargic at work but at the end of the day, the money i get can be used for me to buy the things i want and do the things i want. I can save up the money and go overseas for example. In the end, i get to enjoy myself. 　

If i do a job i like but pays little, I will enjoy myself at work and bear not to leave my workplace. I may become a workholic. I will find my efforts rewarding although i do not get sufficient cash for my own expenses. Lets say the cash is sufficient for the daily life expenses but not for additional extravagant luxuries, such as a spa or getting a car. Is that not enough?

After examination, it seems it is not clear which path holds a more valid reason to take after. The difference is just that the reward comes in different form, in terms of luxury the cash offers or the satisfaction from the job.